Over a week has passed since the inaugural Ignite Phoenix After Hours, and itâ€™s given some of us crew members time to think about how it all went down. And weâ€™re pretty happy about it.
The venue was perfect, albeit a tad packed. It was just what we were looking for: flames illuminating the back porch, Phantom of the Opera chandeliers, and even red/black wallpaper, reminiscent of Elviraâ€™s boudoir. Music (thanks to Michael Barber) set the tone for a sexy, rockinâ€™ good time, and we couldnâ€™t have asked for a more beautiful evening, with the sun setting low over a Scottsdale backdrop.
The crowd was varied. There were Ignite Phoenix die-hards, whoâ€™d been to all the other events and who had been just waiting for something like After Hours to come along. There were newbies, tooâ€”people who had never been to an Ignite but had somehow heard about this thing called â€œIPAH.â€ There were leather (or was it pleather?) pants, plunging necklines, and some excellent hair and makeup. Sexy people there to hear some sexy stuff.
Speaking of which â€¦ there was tons of sex at Ignite Phoenix After Hours. Annie Janssen reminded the ladies of the importance of kegel muscles. Debbie Walker warned us of the proper positioning of sex with an asthmatic. Evo Terra embraced implants and real boobs alike in this presentation about â€œtitties.â€
But letâ€™s not forget the cuss words â€¦ Nina Miller, thankfully, gave us a new use for See You Next Tuesday, honorably replacing this derogatory term with the evil, dirty â€œdogf%#$er.â€Â The f-bomb was dropped with prideful regularity, and no one batted an eye.
Social commentary? We had it. Michael Cady triumphed the theory of â€œparty platesâ€â€”license plates that tell the police, â€œIâ€™m cool. I can drive drunk, because I passed the state-issued drunk driver test!â€ Victor Moreno made us realize we all just want to be zombies (itâ€™s human nature, okay?). And Krystopher James VanSlyke embraced his semi-Mexican (or was it Dutch?) culture by asking the crowd, â€œHow Mexican is Mexican enough to be Mexican?â€
I guess the inaugural event was kind of shocking. We had a great turnout. Our hosts did a great job. Our speakers rocked out, as did our audience. But yes, I was shocked. Werenâ€™t you? And in shocking you, I think we achieved our ultimate goal. Weâ€™ve said it before, weâ€™ll say it again: weâ€™re not just here to talk about tits. Weâ€™re here to expand your mind in ways a PG-13 platform cannot, while promoting Phoenix pride in the process. Weâ€™ve done it once. With your support and enthusiasm, we might just do it again.
Thank you, Phoenix. Have a happy holiday season with your friends and families. Oh, but I donâ€™t suggest bringing up a detailed explanation of fisting anywhere near your mother â€¦ (Lucky you: the actual fisting presentation is on YouTube.)