Woooooooooo-wee!

Four days left until the very first, very exciting Ignite Phoenix After Hours! Can you believe it? Months ago, it was merely a dark dream in the mind of the Ignite Phoenix team. As of this Friday, the dream will come true, bringing words like “fisting,” “see-you-next-Tuesday,” and “titties” to a mainstream audience who actually paid to be there!

Speaking of paying to be there, we are not taking charge of a ticket exchange for this event. We will have no tickets available at the door. In fact, there are no tickets available at all. What I’m saying is, if you don’t already have a ticket to Ignite Phoenix After Hours, you may be up a creek with no paddle. That said you can try to beg via Twitter (hashtag #ipah) or Facebook.

(And hey, if you’ve double-booked for that night and cannot attend, get in touch with us, and we will do our best to give those valuable tickets a new, happy home.)

REMEMBER: This event is 21 and above. That means, bring your ID with you! There will be a big, scary bouncer outside the Myst Ballroom in Scottsdale checking people out. And if you aren’t 21 … well, haven’t you been paying attention? This event is 21 and above! Also, you must bring the printed copy of your IPAH ticket to present at the door. JUST DO IT!

Are you excited? Because I’m excited. In a week and a half, I get to learn all about the c-word (yeah, THAT c-word), rectal misfortunes, the history of boobs, and so much more. This is exciting stuff. However, let’s not forget why we’re really here.

We created Ignite Phoenix After Hours to be no-limit with no boundaries. That means 21 and up. It means dropping the f-bomb. Talking about sex in public. Cussing as much as you want and being as inappropriate as you’d like. But we are not here for shock value alone. We’re not here for gratuitous naughtiness. We’re here because we believe there has to be a sounding board for the edgy side of Phoenix—a sounding board that, until December 3rd, has been empty.

The Valley of the Sun is a varied population. Many of us care about design, art, writing, video games … the list goes on and on. But where some people are white bread, others are burnt toast. And what the heck are the burnt toast people supposed to do? Hide in the shadows, like cultural vampires? I say NO! The edgy folk have a right to share their passions, too, but Ignite Phoenix just wasn’t the appropriate place. Ignite Phoenix After Hours is the appropriate place, and yeah, we’re excited.

You should be, too. Although you’ll probably see a lot of familiar faces at IPAH next Friday, it’s likely to reach a new demographic, as well—a demographic as yet unreached by Ignite Phoenix. If nothing else, you will see a different side of the people you know and possibly work with.

Maybe you’ll find a different side of yourself, too. Maybe you’ll realize you really like Lenny Bruce. Maybe you’ll get to town on those oft neglected kegel muscles. Maybe you’ll give up online dating … or maybe you’ll create a sexy profile the following day!

I dunno what to expect next Friday, beyond giddy, irrepressible excitement. I’ll see you there. Feel free to bust out the Jim Morrison-esque leather pants. Or maybe that bustier you’ve been saving for just the right occasion.

The number one fear reported in most national surveys? Public speaking.

Known as “glossophobia,” it’s no joke. Imagine: you’re standing on a tiny stage in front of a couple hundred people. They’re staring at you, waiting to hear you say something terribly clever. Instead, you look down and realize you’re not wearing any pants. Worse yet, you realize you’ve forgotten the terribly clever thing you were going to say.

But the best cure for a fear of public speaking? Public speaking. It’s true! It’s the whole face your fear thing the quacks talk about, and it works wonders. Just remember to wear your pants.

The crowd loves you.

We do our best to sooth the psyches of our presenters. IPAH may be edgy, but we don’t want our presenters on edge. Last night, they took part in a presenter workshop. They received some valuable tips for public speaking, catered specifically to the Ignite Phoenix format and crowd. They’re gonna be fine. They’re gonna do great.

Honestly, an Ignite crowd is a happy crowd—even the dark and dangerous After Hours variety. What’s not to be happy about? On Friday, December 3, we will be packed together in a super-sexy venue, keeping each other warm. We’ll be drinking our drinks of choice, eating some yummy apps, and chatting it up with pals. We’ll be waiting to see the speakers we paid to see! We will be a captive audience. Even if you’re not wearing pants!

If you have a fear of public speaking, Ignite Phoenix / Ignite Phoenix After Hours events are the best sounding board on the planet. The audience is there to embrace you and applaud you. No worries. If you’ve already been picked to speak at IPAH #1, tell yourself you’re going to kick some a$$. If you’re a ticket holder, bring out your clapping hands. And if you suffer from glossophobia, guess you better be ready to submit to IPAH #2.

This was not easy. Our presenters didn’t pull any punches. Seriously—there were some amazing, intriguing, and downright shocking entries we wish we could have used, but after voting … we narrowed the presentations down to fourteen for Ignite Phoenix After Hours #1.

Sticking to the Ignite Phoenix principles, with an added edgy vibe, I present the lineup for our inaugural event:

• A Brief History of Pornographic Videogames – Adam ‘Pi’ Birch
• An Expressway to Your Skull: Strange Visions, Infernal Machines, and You – Ashley Naftule
• Cantaloupe, Cropping & Kegel Exercises – Annie Janssen
• C*nt – Nina Miller
• Do Drink & Drive! – Michael Cady
• Faith Isn’t Sacred – Alexander Cherry
• Fuckin’ Asthma – Debbie Walker
• Introducing … Lenny Bruce – Tim Giron
• It Started With A Wink – But I should Have Killed You – Stacey Champion
• Need a Hand? Vaginal Fisting for 1 and all! – Shanna Katz
• Not Mexican Enough – or – a son of a bastard searches for identity – Krystofer James VanSlyke
• Rectum – Nearly killed them – Terry Simpson
• The Dead: Zombies & Our Fascination & Love of the Dead – Victor Moreno
• Titties Through the Ages – Evo Terra

We would like to thank all the brave souls who took an adventurous step and sent presentation ideas for IPAH #1. We were thrilled to have so many submissions for our first event, and truly, each one had its own wonderfully dark and dangerous merit. We hope to see all of you in Scottsdale for IPAH #1.

And start now: reach out to your personal dark passenger. Get ready to submit for IPAH #2!

Submissions for Ignite Phoenix After Hours close tomorrow. The tickets sold out in one day, so let’s face it: if your presentation makes the cut, you have a guaranteed captive audience. Let’s see … what could you talk about?

How about the time you saw a tarot card reader in Vegas? She pulled the Death card. Once you got home, you locked yourself in your house for a week.  Finally, one day, you turned on the news. A tarot card reader had been murdered in Vegas. Life went on as usual, but you still sometimes look back and expect to see her following you.

Or that time you survived New Orleans, Mardi Gras. Some girl kept feeding you test tube shots on Bourbon Street, until you lost your group of friends. You called your buddy, standing under that glowing Mango Mango neon sign. You told him, “I’m under the sign for Mango Mango!” He said, “I’m under the sign for Mango Mango!” That’s when you realized, there was a Mango Mango sign on every corner.

I know you have it in ya! A bunch of brave souls have already come forward, bearing their best for an IPAH-hungry Phoenix. One gal wants to tell you how to be comfortable naked. A fellah is ready to share what high school teachers are REALLY thinking. What’s your story? What’s your passion? What really gets you going—bad or good? Tomorrow is your final chance to introduce your edgy self to friends and strangers. Time is running out!

So be ambitious on a Monday. Procrastinate at work, and submit a presentation to Ignite Phoenix After Hours: the inaugural, SOLD OUT place to be December 3rd. Details are on the Speak page. You don’t have a moment to waste.